WHAT TO EXPECT AFTER A ONE NIGHT STAND
Around 90% of my clients who come to me who are looking for a date or to fall in love are using dating apps to get the job done. The ease in connecting them is of course amazingly simple. What is hard is once connected, many people can’t seem to keep their dates and end up hopeless or fearful of future dates.
The problem I’m seeing in my practice is that once they meet that certain special person, they report they don’t know what to do next. It’s one thing to access the person online and use technology to facilitate the process of meeting in person, however while using those apps, the clients I work with report the success rate of seeing that person again are way below average.
From what I’ve been told, hookups are common and the follow up is nil. This doesn’t surprise me for most people I work with are expecting to have relationships with the people they are hooking up with. Can this work? Of course it can however around 90% of my clients never have another shot with that same person once they’ve hooked up or slept together.
You see, I’m a bit older and I was raised with the ritual of courting. Most young adults having grown up with the ease of technology haven’t experienced that in fact they have never heard of it before. It goes back thousands of years and basically is described as the process of getting to know one another before marriage. Things are very different now. Marriage isn’t the goal for many and leaning on emotional ties between themselves and their date can be a rather daunting exercise.
In any case, the fact is that the clients who are looking for love or dating using apps are not growing or cultivating relationships that last. They also complain that the superficiality of it breeds nothing but perhaps one night in bed together. But, what do they expect? When you think about it, what can you expect only knowing someone for a few minutes, then meeting up in person over drinks and then ending the night in bed? Not much.
The point is that if people want to really take the time to court, to actually put in the time to date and get to know that person, they probably shouldn’t sleep with them on the first, second or even third date. I’ve discussed this option at length with hundreds of clients and a few will always tell me it is possible
to develop a relationship after a one night stand. Then, in weeks to follow they also report the person has ghosted, disappeared and they are confused where they went. To date, I’ve heard very few if any stories that ended up successful in terms of continuing that relationship.
Here is the gist of the situation. Mystery and fantasy are embedded in the space between when you last saw your date and the next time you see them. During that time, in between dates, you go on living your life. You might get a text from that date, you might not. The point is what you are doing during that time is most likely catching up on life itself, not necessarily working on personal growth. Sometimes it is just too busy to take out the time to reflect what your date said, what you want to do next and so on. So, the potential relationship fails because there isn’t enough energy focused on pursuing this relationship because 1) things get in the way of connecting again and 2) it’s too easy to just blow that person off thinking that you may have another shot with another person just minutes later. All in all, there is an obvious need for relationship building skills if you really want to make long lasting connections.
My advice is that if you date and you sleep with that person, don’t expect great results in terms of longevity. If you want to take the time to really get to know the person, perhaps it’s best to go out with them several times, even for weeks, before you dive into bed with them. Remember, this advice is based on my own clientele however if you just want to hook up and that is your only goal, this advice won’t suit you.